The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
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I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
every college guy’s fridge
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
o shit
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?