Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
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Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
This has made my week.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.