I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
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You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?