Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
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Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
get you a girl who
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?