Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
You Might Also Like
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.