The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
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art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this