Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
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My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
felt cute might bury dad later idk
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.