i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
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Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
boat question
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.