This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
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Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
NASA has no chill
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
This is my emotional support knife.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.