Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
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Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend