excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
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If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.