My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
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people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Strangers have the best candy.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Just me?
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times