When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
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PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
she has a point
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.