In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.