god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
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To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Still a very good boi….
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”