Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
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*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Whoa… oh I see lol
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
one last job
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Word!
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here