Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
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An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other