When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign