me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
You Might Also Like
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
❤️🦆
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related