My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
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is there nothing we can trust anymore
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
An odd boast
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Ain’t no way
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Two types of dogs.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo