Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
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When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Meat Cute