These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
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Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Today’s Times
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people