a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
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I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.