“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
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Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?