Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
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keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.