Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
You Might Also Like
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
FINE, I WON’T.