A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
i was baptized in a car wash
not seeing the problem
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.