Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
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If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
You can’t rush stupid.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash