[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
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Breaking news:
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.