Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
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“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard