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Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Kids, do not try this at home!
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.