God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.