[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
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Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.