It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
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GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Worth a try
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?