Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
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“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
cry laughing at this shit
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”