[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
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I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
🙁
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.