me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
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“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Blew out my flip flop…
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
the dark web is just a goth google.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.