they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
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My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
See..?
.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”