[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
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My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
j o i m p
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.