ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
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“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
A man of commitment.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.