The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
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When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I need a headline like this
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real