“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
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You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
No chill.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
😬
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves