Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
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9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”