Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
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Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first