With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
You Might Also Like
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.