I’m an avid indoorsman.
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Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
*has no idea what a book even is*
i dont have time for this
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?