If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
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I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT