impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.