Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
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[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Pretty much! 😂👀
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Easy enough.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong