[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
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Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah